Rem-Iseul Kim

18

Today, I’m spinning from the rush

Of time and events past

Neverending and lossless

In 18 years, I found this body to be a prison

Its confines defined by its curves and capacity for new life

This body has remade itself, two times over already

Sliced and altered under a surgeon’s scalpel

Sterile and white was the light

Intubated and asleep 

I wanted to awake to a new self

One that would no longer draw eyes or shouts from passing trucks

I found that a new self cannot be made, only discovered

I found that people will always shout so long as they can drive away

In 18 years, I found the dance of light and dark gruesome

Friends turned into blurry bodies, subjects of this thing called art

People come in and out of focus in my viewfinder

There were late nights scribbling and early mornings wondering if last night meant anything

The birds must’ve sung to me, but I heard them as a simulation

Teenagers are lost to their phones anyway

What’s one more?

One more would be too much

So I found the dance of light and dark beautiful

I spoke of this

And strangers cried in relief miles away

In 18 years, I found the mission to save the world

Save humanity from itself

The only way my life will be worth the effort

But I’ve already run from the fire once

What do I do about the inferno?

In 18 years,

I found men who can’t cry

I found kids who hate the word ‘normal’

I found chickens in containers smaller than a shoebox

I found all the cedar trees turning brown

I found teenagers who stare right through you

I found girls who map their lives with men

I found dogs whose ribs ache from hard toed kicks

I found all this to be too much

I found I don’t have the answers

I found sobbing in front of strangers to be a gift

Not everyone receives

Today, I am standing on the line between adulthood and childhood

Although most say, the crossing is defined not by the age of your body but by the state of your mind

I wonder if it’s the respect you’re granted

Which seat at the table you’re given, if at all

I’d like to think it’s the respect you grant

I found respect, my seat at the table

But within seconds

I found the need to flip over the table

To hell with it all

But

What if

I lost respect

I found that the winds will only increase in strength 

I can either fly or be blown off course 

I can either fail or succeed

When I found an artificial duality 

I lost a way to be whole 

I lost the roadmap to my life

The one I made carefully in permanent marker at 8 years old

At 18 years years old,

I found that even permanent marker bleeds